Emailing an old Bhuddist Guru

I was lucky enough to get my awesome trust fund check today.  In the past I’ve seen it as all of the child support money I’ll ever get after my father fled to Brazil to avoid jail or whatever it was he had to get away from here in the states.  Its a whopping $4,770.74.  Fucking huge I know, you don’t have to remind me.

I decided to email my dad saying thank you after I got it.  It seemed fitting at the time.  This is the email that I sent.  I thought that it would be better to share it, not because I was proud of it, but because I’m weak on the inside so if I put it out there for the world to see than its easier to distance myself from my problems.

“Dear Randy,

Today I had a very strange day.  I know that my day/life doesn’t really hold any significance in how your day/life goes by, and usually it goes the same for me, but today I finally got my trust fund check that held as the last connection between you and I.  After over a decade of interest collecting I have $4,770.74 to have as an ode to my father.  It makes me feel like I somehow was given a life without a true father, and received a small fiscal reward as my gift for doing so.  As if the years of self loathing, the fear of getting close to anyone, the endless “what if” thoughts, and the sever depression was all allowed with roughly five grand as an acceptable payment for ensuring such behavioral traits.

To be honest it is amazingly upsetting.  Not only do I feel as if I was cheated in life by some of the conditions that you put me under, but I also feel like you put a price on surviving it.  A price that I would sacrifice infinitely in order to have that life where survival wasn’t the way I portrayed living.  Its like you actually put a number on the hardship I’ve gone through.  I understand better than most that I ought to be grateful that I lived the life that I did and was able to receive anything at all, but the fact that you wanted to ease your guilt by giving this much to the someone is insulting.  I honestly can’t believe that after everything you’ve done that this is how you signify your guilt or whatever it was you were trying to accomplish with this trust fund.  I have no idea what your reason is for taking the actions that you did, therefore I must assume the reasoning for myself.  Know though, that no matter what it may be, I am ashamed to know that I am your son.

The last time I emailed you I told you that you have been dead to me for a couple years now, and things do not return from the dead.  My life has been lived to this point and I do not need some old man reminding me that I was able to be abandoned.

Thank you for money, I’m sure it was your grandest gesture of outstanding moral character.  Also I put on some pictures like you had asked.
-Tait Hawk Oren White-Rasmusson

PS I read the email you sent to my mom and so its clear
1.) I am not Gay, and I am not struggling with my gender identity.
2.) My English teacher was not raping me in his spare time, or even thinking about doing so.
3.) The astrological chart doesn’t conform with who I am. Also it was off by an hour.
4.) I’m an Atheist not a “God fearing Christian” and that’s why I have a hard time living in Kansas.
5.) For the record I am not that interested in Buddhism, and I don’t give a shit about karma.”

That was it, I hoped you liked it. Please note that the PS is based on an email my dad sent to my mom saying that I was gay and didn’t know it yet, that my English teacher was raping me, and that my astrological chart said I was someone who would go through that thereby making it truth.

At this point I want to pretend that I just am, rather than thinking I came from a pile of craziness.

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